The Scientists
written by Andy Papek and Jason Callies
co-written by Matthew Bright
(Inner Monologue of Lou after melee)
- The experiment was an utter failure. For the first time in our lives, we had to face the face of failure. The scooter was no more, and on fire to say the least. The ramp, torn in half like an old man’s cornea. The stuffed cow toys, mutilated beyond recognition. The mirrorball, shattered into nigh-infinite pieces. The stench of burning cotton in the air. Styrofoam. Everywhere. And I mean everywhere.
We heard children crying somewhere in the distance, surely due to the billowing echo of a scream generated by the screaming clown machine generator. Which unexplainably undid itself during the experiment. What a catastrophic-
Deen – FAILURE!!!!
Johnson – Deen, I TOLD YOU IT WOULDN’T WORK IN THE DARK!
Deen – It should have worked Johnson! SHOULD!
Johnson – (Glares at Deen, pauses) What’re we going to tell that little girl now that we’ve desecrated her scooter?
Lou – We don’t tell her anything. When she comes by to pick it up, just yell something at her and slam the door.
Johnson – (Looks toward Deen) That’ll be your job, moron.
Deen – I’M A SCIENTIST! (lifts arm up and points repeatedly at bicep) SCI-EN-TIST!
(short pause)
Lou – Right. Let’s go upstairs and record today’s findings.
UPSTAIRS
(Lou, Johnson, and Deen sit at a table with numerous papers)
Johnson – We’ve attempted this three times now. Once in the dark. What are we doing wrong?
Lou – I don’t understand it either. Now that the screaming clown generator has disappeared, we can’t proceed with Dobe’s original plan.
(doorbell rings, Deen gets up)
Johnson – However, there are 4 other scenarios we have yet to try, and all we have to do is succeed in one of them.
Lou – This was the most complex one, so maybe we’ll have better luck with the other ones.
- In the backround, Deen yells, YOU’RE ADOPTED!, and slams the door. Returns to the table)
Lou – Who that be Deen?
Deen – That girl who owned the scooter. She ran off crying.
Lou – Well Deen, sometimes you just have to destroy the hearts of children in the name of science.
Johnson – Why?
- cuts to black-
(Black screen with the words, the next day)
All Three – BECAUSE WE ARE SCIENTISTS!
(Dream sequence, Johnson and another person stand in front of the camera, each holding up a large kitchen utensil while marching in place)
-the song, One time, plays in the backround-
One time.. time…
Johnson – You are not a scientist Deen!
Person – You are not a scientist Deen!
Johnson – You dropped out of preschool Deen!
Person – You don’t even know me, Deen!
Johnson – You dropped out of preschool Deen!
Person – Johnson’s repeating himself Deen!
J & P – Deen!
(camera cuts to Deen facing the opposite direction of J&P sitting on a couch)
Deen – (turns around) AAAAAAA!
(End Dream sequence, Deen wakes from his sleep, finds himself driving. He’s in a church parkinglot)
(Next scene – Johnson and Lou are sitting doing paperwork, Lou’s cell phone rings)
Lou – Hello? Where the hell are you? You were supposed to be here hours ago! Don’t give me that bull shit, you most certainly did not go to the zoo.
No one goes to the zoo for 6 hours everyday! You hear me?! No one! NOOOOOO ONEEEE!(hangs up)
Johnson – So where’s Deen this time?
Lou – He didn’t say. He never tells us. He just said he was at the zoo, and you and I both know that is his answer for most everything. "Who were you just on the phone with Deen?" "The Zoo" "Where’s the damn fire extinguisher Deen, my left shin is on fire and I really need it!" "The Zoo" *sigh
(short pause)
Johnson – He’s not a scientist.
Lou – But he’s got heart Johnson. Heart. Which means more than mere knowledge and skill. I told Deen we’d meet at the large vague field in 10 minutes… I’m gonna go and change my clothes. (leaves room)
(Johnson gets up, camera slowly zooms in on Johnson’s face, Johnson has a sinister look on face)
Johnson’s Inner Monologue – Yes… you change your clothes Lou… you have no idea what’s in store for you… soon… soon you will all know my horrible, horrible secret… I will show you all…
Johnson – I WILL SHOW YOU ALL! BURN IN HELL LOU! BURN IN HELL DEEN! BURN IN HELL DOBES! I WILL EMANICI-
(Johnson notices Lou standing and getting something out of the fridge and sitting down)
Lou – (Sits down, long pause) What?
(Cuts to black screen, Experiment 2)
(Deen sits indian-style in the middle of a field)
Deen’s Inner Monologue – … Where are they? I had better contact them AND find out if they are still coming. (Cell phone dialing sound) Hey, are you coming? Oh, you’re just leaving? Kay. See ya in a few.
(moments later, Johnson and Lou walk onto the field)
Lou – (Putting away cell phone) Hey Deen.
Johnson – Deen.
Deen – Shall we begin?
Lou – Let us begin the grand exodus number 2.
Deen – (reads from clipboard) Experiment 2: What happens when Dobe’s mystery black box is
placed in the middle of a field?
(Johnson begins measuring the field for quite a long time taking and retaking measurements)
Johnson – Here!
(Lou runs over and places the black box where Johnson points, they both run back over to Deen)
Deen – (reads from clipboard) What is the reaction of Johnson after placing Dobe’s mystery black box in the middle of the field?
(Camera cuts to Johnson, who is furiously smoking 2 cigarettes and appears nervous and wired muttering "Efficiut Daemones, ut quae non sunt, sic tamen quasi sint, conspicienda bonminibus exhibeant." Note: some latin thing from H.P. Lovecraft)
Lou – Facinating!
Deen – (still reading from clipboard) What is the reaction of Dobe’s mystery black box after being placed in the middle of a field?
(long pause)
Black Box – That turtle sound that Dan made a few days ago.
(long pause)
Deen – Goddamnit I hate science.
Lou – What?
Deen – (panics) Uh…I mean… I hate you!
Lou – Awww, I hate you too Deen!
(Deen and Lou hug, heartwarming music plays in the backround)
Johnson – …How about we go and check out the special experiment?
(they walk to a nearby pond with three sticks with rope tied to them in the water)
Lou – So, why are we doing this again? It’s not even on Dobe’s plan listing.
Deen – SHHHH, you’ll scare away the science.
Johnson – What the hell are you talking about. I’ve hated this idea ever since I thought of it.
Deen – SHHHH, you’ll scare away the science.
Lou – Are we supposed to be fishing or something?
Deen – SHHHH, you’ll scare away th-
Johnson – FOR CHRIST’S SAKE DEEN, WE KNOW, WE KN-
Deen – I’LL FUCK YOU UP JOHNSON!
(Short Pause, an explosion is heard in the backround followed by a cat meowing, then followed by machinegun fire)
Lou – Hey guys, think I got something. Look.
(Deen and Johnson get a closer look)
Deen – It certainly looks like something. But what?
Lou – Sort of metallic, yet soft like momma’s extra arm skin.
Deen – Yes, but perhaps something meant for something else, something greater than flab.
Lou – Maybe some kind of part to a metallic cow.
Deen – Do you think the Hindus are creating some kind of bionic cow god?
Lou – You know, they have been awfully quiet lately…
Deen – The Hindus…have become our enemy…
Lou – That’s it. When I get home, Sanchez is-
Johnson – THEY’RE FUCKING KEYS GUYS! KEEEEEYS.
(camera cuts to show some keys lying on the ground, Johnson picks them up)
Lou – …and come to think of it, they’re my keys. (pulls out keys in pocket) Wait, no they’re not; my keys are right here.
Johnson – I wonder if these keys belong to who ever killed that man there.
(camera pans to a dead body)
(Deen grabs the keys from Johnson and proceeds to run over by the dead body)
Johnson – What are you doing? Deen?!
Deen – Just shut up for a second, I’ve got an idea. Shhh…. It’s science
(Deen crouches down near the head of the dead body and sticks one of the keys into an ear of the dead man. The sound of a car starting is heard. The dead man gets up and proceeds to run off into the distance.)
Deen – (Waving) God speed Dead man, God speed
(Deen runs back to a confused Johnson and Lou)
Lou – What the hell did you do?
Johnson – And what would of happened if you stuck those keys… IN HIS ASS?
Deen – Look at the keychain.
(camera cuts to close up of keys, imprinted on it: Godd(c.)’s keys)
Johnson – Sweet Jesus! (grabs keys, sticks them in ass) So filled with… power… EVERYTHING MAKE’S SENSE NOW! HAH HA HA HA! SO MUCH POWER…
Lou – He’s gone mad with power. I think we have to put the boy down.
Deen – You wouldn’t… would you?
Lou – You bet your sweeeeeet pituty.
Deen – You wouldn’t. You’re too big of a wussy! Little wussy lab coat boy! Afraid to kill for science! Wussy! Wussy!
(Lou Pulls out a revolver)
Lou – LOOKS LIKE YOU MADE A WRONG TURN!(fires)
LOOKS LIKE YOU WENT THE WRONG WAY DOWN A ONE-WAY STREET!(fires)
LOOKS LIKE YOU DONE MADE YOURSELF A GOOF!(fires)
LOOKS LIKE…umm….RAIN!(fires)
Lou – (turns to Deen) How’d you know my screen name?
Deen – That was you? I’m Mr.Scienceguythingfish.
Lou – Hey yeah, I talked to you in the little boys, older men room…
Deen - …yeah.
(short pause, Lou resumes firing)
LOOKS LIKE I’M ENDING THIS TEA PARTY!(fires)
ONE TIME I FOUND MYSELF IN A SITUATION SIMILAR TO YOUR SITUATION AND THEN THEY SHOT MY ASS OFF!(fires)
(Lou finally stops firing)
Lou – I think I overdid all that…
Deen – Yeah, and did you have to shoot him every time in the shin?
Lou – Well, I just didn’t want him coming back from the dead…like last time.
(Flash back sequence, Johnson walks through the door)
Johnson – Hey guys. I’m back. You know. From the dead.
Lou – Oh, hey. Sorry about that whole shooting you thing.
Johnson – We all got kids to feed Lou. I understand.
(Lou and Johnson hug, heartwarming music plays in the backround)
(End flash back sequence)
Lou – I can only hope we’ve finally righted a wrong.
Deen – Yes. Well, let’s pack up the science sticks and leave.
(camera cuts to Lou’s house, Deen and Lou are reviewing papers on a couch, a person walks in)
New Guy – Hey guys.
(Lou does that crazy, crazy pants thing)
New Guy – (short pause) Kay… I’m Jaco from the scientist temp agency. I heard you needed a new guy, something happened to your last one I guess.
Deen – (chuckling) Yeah…(looks over at Lou, winks)
Lou – Yeah, SOMETHING!
(Lou pulls out gun and shoots Jaco)
Deen – Dude. You really gotta stop killin everyone. I laughed the first 6 victims, but now it’s getting ridiculous.
Lou – He wasn’t even a real scientist. Look, he’s wearing a sheet with holes cut in it as a lab coat.
Deen – I guess you’re right, but… to tell you the truth… I’m not really a scientist either Lou!
(Lou slowly points his gun at Deen)
Deen – (nervous) But I’ve got heart Lou! Heart! Remember!?
(Lou starts pulling the trigger, but there aren’t any bullets left. He proceeds to pull the trigger regardless)
Deen – Where did you get that gun anyway?
Lou – (stops pulling trigger) Don’t you remember the Christmas party last year?
(flash back sequence. Cuts to Lou and Johnson in a room. Lou opens a package and pulls out a gun)
Lou – Whoo hoo. Happy birthday, Jesus. (shoots) Happy birthday Jesus. (shoots)
(Deen walk in)
Deen – Well, Santa finally brought the gun.
Johnson – Yeah, he’s wanted one for a while now.
(Lou proceeds to shoot Johnson. Heartwarming music plays in the backround)
(End flashback sequence)
Deen – Good times. Good times.
(short pause, a ding is heard in the backround)
Deen – Oh! That’s lunch!
(Deen gets up, camera cuts to show him doing a line of coke. Deen wipes his nose and walks back in the room. The actor who plays Lou is now played by the actor who played Johnson)
Deen – Are you sure you don’t want some lunch Lou?
Lou – No thanks. I feel strange all of the sudden.
Deen – Yeah, come to think of it, you look a little different for some reason.
Lou – No worries. Anyway, we need to aquire another scientist and then report our findings on experiments 1 and 2 to Dobe’s ASAP.
Deen – Forget getting another scientist. Dobe’s will understand.
Lou – I dunno, he’s real specific about things like that. He might kill us for all we know.
(short pause)
Lou – Awww hell, let’s go anyway!
(camera cuts to outside of a room with the door closed, Lou and Deen stop before they get to the door)
Lou – Ok, you ready?
Deen – Yep.
Lou – All figures in check?
Deen – Check.
Lou – Papers in order?
Deen – Check.
Lou – Chickens in a row?
Deen – Che…wait that’s not even remotely funny.
Lou – Then let’s do this.
Deen – No, why did you make such a horrible joke?
Lou – Let it go
Deen – God, I fucking hate you.
Lou – We don’t have time for a hug to romantic music. Now lets do this.
(Lou and Deen open the door, but before they can even get in the room, Dobe’s is heard yelling)
Dobe’s – WHERE’S THE THIRD ONE?! WHERE’S THE THIRD ONE?! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING TIL’ THERE ARE 3 FUCKING SCIENTISTS STANDING BEFORE ME, YOU HEAR ME!? 3 DAMNIT! NOT 2, NOT 5, THREE GODDAMNIT!
(Lou and Deen run out of the room, screen cuts to black with white text: Meanwhile, at the scientist temp agency)
(Four people sit in a room, another, Rob, stands)
Rob – Hello, my name is Rob. Welcome to our organization applicants. This is your formal interview, and I will begin it now. We are called what, everyone?
(All saying grudgingly at the same time)
Luke – Convongen Stonk
Sven – Atta atta matta fank
Svluke – Bloooooooooooong
Laurie - Desotosotosotosoto
Rob – Right. STA. The scientist temp agency.
Sven – (raises hand) Shouldn’t that be TSTA then?
Rob – Are you a scientist-
Sven – Sven.
Rob – Sven?
Luke – No.
Rob – Correct. That’s why we are seeing if you are right for the job. Now repeat after me: Destroy the league of nations.
Everyone – Destroy the league of nations.
Rob – I am a child of Lebanon.
Everyone – I am a child of Lebanon.
Rob – You been there?
Everyone – You been there?
Rob – MANIFEST DESTINY.
Everyone – MANIFEST DESTINY.
Rob – Good. Now is the single question and answer session. First, let me get some names here.
Luke – My name’s Luke
Sven – My name’s Sven
Laurie – My name is Laurie
Svluke – My name is Svluke
Rob – Your name is what?
Svluke – (pronounces it slower) Ssvvluuuke
Rob – Sfluke?
Svluke – No. Sssvvluuuke.
Rob – You’re not making this up are you?
Svluke – No.
Rob – You sure?
Svluke – Yes.
Rob – Alright. First, Are you ok with possibly getting shot, repeatedly?
Luke – Yeah
Sven – Whateva
Laurie – That’s my specialty.
Svluke – Oh yeah.
Rob – Are you ok with singlehandedly destroying the science community?
Luke – Yeah
Sven – Yep
Laurie – Yes?
Svluke – Oh, oh yeah.
Rob – Good. That ends the question and answer session. Did anyone have a problem with answering these questions?
Svluke – Yeah.(gets up and walks out)
Rob – Ok.
(Camera cuts to Svluke walking out of door, Lou and Deen are about to walk in)
Deen – Out of the way! We need a scientist on the double!
Svluke – Wait!
(Lou and Deen stop)
Svluke – …I just got hired and I can help you.
Lou – Oh great! What’s your name?
(Camera zooms in slowly on Svluke’s face, he has a ponderous look on his face. An echoing conversation is heard)
Your name is what? …Ssvvluuuke. Sfluke? No. Sssvvluuuke. You’re not making this up are you? No. Svluke? Yes? You’re fired. And I hate you.
Svluke – Well first, why don’t I learn your guys’s names first?
Lou – Lou
Deen – Deen
Svluke – Oh ok. My name is… LouDeen
Deen – LouDeen?
LouDeen – Yep.
Deen – You’re not making that up are you?
LouDeen - …Nope.
Lou – Well, in any case, you’re hired.
LouDeen – Really?!
Lou – Yeah, but I’m probably going to end up shooting you. A lot.
Deen – You ok with that?
LouDeen – Oh, naturally.
Deen – NOW we can report back to Dobes.
Lou – Let’s go.
(Camera cuts back to outside of Dobe’s office. A desk with a secretary with her feet propped up while filing her nails now sits outside.)
Lou – You weren’t here before…
Lisa – Yeah. Dobes needed some help if you get my drift.
Lou – I think that’s more information than I needed to know.
Lisa – He needed help with his paperwork. Bitch.
(Lou pulls out his handgun)
Lou – No Lou. You’ve done enough killin today.
(Lou puts away handgun)
Lou – We need to see Dobes.
Lisa – Just go in, he’s been expecting you for a while.
(The 3 walk through the door)
Lisa – Bitch.
(Lou runs out, Deen and LouDeen restrain him and pull him back in)
Dobes – Well, what brings you to my quarters scientists?
Lou – We’re just reporting our first two experiments, and I don’t think either of them worked.
Dobes – Fear not, scientists. Just keep going with the experiments.
Lou – But what is the purpose of these-
Dobes – YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO QUESTION ME! I hired you to perform some tasks. What is wrong? Are you not happy with my pay?
Lou – No, it’s been hella good.
Dobes – Then what is the matter scientists?
Lou – I can’t stop killin Dobes! I can’t!
(Lou pulls out handgun and points gun somewhere, camera cuts to some nature footage then cuts back to Lou firing, a scream is heard in the backround)
Lou – See?!
Dobes – Just finish the rest of my experiments and then report back to me.
Lou – But-
Dobes – You are dismissed.
(Lou, Deen, and LouDeen leave)
Dobes – (presses button) Lisa, will you send in my mistress?
Lisa – Sure thing.
(Camera cuts to outside Dobe’s office, Lisa takes off her glasses and puts on some lipstick in a hurried fashion, gets up and enters Dobe’s office.)
Lisa – Hello, Dobes.
Dobes – Hello Meesha. Why don’t you have a seat? (pants leg, Meesha sits on Dobe’s lap)
Meesha – So what was that all about honey bear?
Dobes – Just my ongoing duty to destroy the scientific community, darling.
Meesha – Why hold such a little grudge against them?
Dobes – Scientists killed my brother, that’s why.
Meesha – How?
Dobes - … I’ll show you. Here, get on the other side of the room, you can play as my brother, I’ll be the scientists.
Meesha – Oooo, role playing. You kinky dog.
(Dobes and Meesha stand on opposing sides of the room from each other)
Dobes – A couple years ago, my brother and I were hanging out in an alleyway when all of a sudden these men in white coats jumped us. My brother said, "Hey, you boys want some smack?"
(pauses, looks at Meesha and nonverbally motions her to repeat the line.)
Meesha – Oh. (deepens voice) Hey, you boys want some smack?
Dobes – Then the scientists said, NO! WE ARE SCIENTISTS! Then they pulled out a gun (makes a gun with his hand and acts like he is shooting with it. As he is shooting with it, real gun sounds go off, and Meesha is killed).
Dobes – What? (looks at gun hand) CURSE YOU POWER OF IMAGINATION! CURSE YOU!!!
(Dobes runs over to desk, presses button)
Dobes – Lisa, I need you to call an ambulance immediately!!!
(short pause, Dobes pushes button again)
Dobes – Lisa? (short pause, pushes again) Lisa?!
(Dobes runs outside and notices glasses, picks them up and looks at the glasses, then walks into his office and looks at Meesha, and then walks back outside to look there and then returns back to his office.)
Dobe’s inner monologue – Where is Lisa?! The next time I see her, she’s fired!
Dobes – Looks like I’ll be feasting tonight!
(black screen, Experiment no. 3)
INT. HOUSE LOU, DEEN, AND LOU DEEN STAND NEAR AN OPEN CLOSET
Deen – (reading from clipboard) Experiment 3: What happens when Dobes’ mysterious black box is placed inside a perfectly normal clothes closet.
(LouDeen places the box in the closet, then shuts the door)
Deen – (reading from clipboard) What is LouDeen’s reaction to having placed said box inside said closet?
(cut to LouDeen who is now wearing a completely different outfit and eating a sandwich)
Lou: Amazing.
Deen – (reading from clipboard) What effect does the black box have on the closet
(everyone leans to the door listening, various sounds, a car, jackhammer, loud roar, whatever basically and go on for as long as it’s funny)
Lou: That’s unexpected.
(sounds go away)
Deen – LouDeen, go get the box.
LouDeen – sir…
(LouDeen opens the door and looks in cautiously)
LouDeen – there’s nothing in here but the box
(LouDeen picks up the box and then heads back out, a loud roar is heard)
Deen and Lou – what was that?
(LouDeen continues out of the closet hands first holding the black box and is quickly pulled back in with a loud roar causing him to drop the box)
LouDeen – Son of a Bitch!
Deen – Son of a Bitch!
Lou – Son of a Bitch! Quick LouDeen hit it with the science sticks! THE SCIENCE STICKS!
(sounds of LouDeen being eaten, Deen and Lou slam the door shut)
A little bit later…
(Lou and Deen are nailing boards up on the closet door as Lou’s cell rings)
Lou: Hello?
(cut to Dobes with blood over his mouth and on a bib at the dinner table)
Dobes: How did the experiment go?
Lou: Well, LouDeen is dead, and I didn’t get to kill him. We can’t use our closet because it has apparently unleashed some creature from hell and the Black Box is missing.
Dobes: The box is gone?
Lou: LouDeen dropped it as he was being killed by the thing and in the insanity that followed someone must have taken it.
Dobes: You must find that box!
Lou:…..
(cut back to the house with Deen near the closet, you hear in a demonic voice: Open the door Deen, I have candy etc…)
Deen – Lou, he says he has candy.
Lou - ……
Deen – Lou?
Lou – The bastard came back to life again! After all that shin shooting!
(Johnson stands in front of Lou holding the black box)
Johnson – Yes, I am back!
(Lou and Johnson hug, heartwarming music plays in the backround)
Deen – But how? A shin wound is forever. (long pause) FOREVER!
Lou – Why do you have the box?
Johnson – I know what it is, I know it’s purpose. It must not be opened for it would mean an end to science, forever.
Deen – Must not scare away the science….
Lou – Deen, shut up! Johnson, give me the box.
Johnson – No, I know you, I know you will open it…. For science.
Lou – Johnson, I’ll fucking kill you again (shoots Johnson and Johnson falls dropping the box)
Deen – No Lou! You are scaring away the science!
Lou – Deen, I hate you (shoots Deen)
(Lou walks over to the box and opens it, inside is a note which reads: Undeniable Proof: God is Real!)
Lou drops the box and screams… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
(fade out show various newspapers with following headlines)
Science out as new evidence points to proof of God
Small slip of paper proves undeniably that God exists
Batboy has God’s child!
(montage show various institutes of science with for rent signs and scientists standing in the unemployment line)
(cut to Dobes in his office)
Dobes: ha haha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha *cough *cough *cough ha ha ha ha ha ha
FADE OUT